In 2020 it felt like the world kinda got sucker punched. The environment was heavy for many reasons, different for everyone. In regards to the pandemic, I was playing it pretty safe as to be respectful to society and knowing that I had family members that could not fare well. I was never worried about myself and would actually say "I'm a yoga instructor, I can inhale and exhale for a count of 10. I'll be fine. It'll be a flu for me but it's others I'm worried about." You know that saying 'eat crow'-well I ate a flock of them (which is actually called a 'murder') and later would end up doing it publicly.

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   Like many it started with what felt like a sinus infection. Then I woke up feeling horrid and knew it was worse and needed to get tested for covid. Covid- a five letter word we are all tired of hearing, those whose lives have been altered or lost loved ones the most. After a false negative within a couple days I ended up in a ER being diagnosed with covid pneumonia testing positive via PCR. I had never even had pneumonia before but being young, healthy and having boosted my immune system for months naturally, doctors and myself thought I'd be fine. Wrong! I had never been so sick in my life nor experienced what was happening to my body (and eventually mind). My friend encouraged me to journal my experience. I thought -I cant'e write- so I recorded myself  1) as a symptom tracker and to remember 2) to share so people could understand because I was asked 3) to help others not feel so alone in experiencing what wasn't be reported in the news. Little did I know what those videos would lead to. Here is one of my first videos that I think is prudent to share in staying true to my intention for this site. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

Over the month of July I experienced respiratory, GI and neurological symptoms. I had 3 ER visits virtual PCP visits and on July 31 I was admitted to a Covid ICU. I went onto a rehab hospital for a few months. Within ten days  of being there I developed severe tremors and a disconnect from my brain to my feet leaving me unable to walk. I've been using assistive mobility devices mostly a wheelchair since. At one point I was told to grieve the life that I thought I would live and the best guarantee I could rely on was that I would be independently wheelchair functional. Oh man was the catharsis real and it was affecting my nervous system, which could NOT happen. One morning during my routine fight with my right foot and leg to put on my ted hose I stopped in frustration in despair. I looked at my foot tremoring and thought what if I just cut it off. No Liza then you'll have a shaking prosthesis. This isn't like any other challenge you've faced before and you can't control anything that is happening at all. So I decided to relinquish my control. I had been reading and studying the art of detachment for years but in that moment I fully felt it. I detached myself from my timeline, my unrealistic expectations, the story I created in my head, my doubt, shame and my fear. Doubt and shame are fear's cousins and they are sneaky rascals. This medical disaster provided me the opportunity to face those psychologically, physically and spiritually. For me, that ultimate fearful moment, possibly one of life's worst experiences, later revealed as when fear no longer inhibits. It's a period of strength, growth, gaining a sense of control and limits are no longer.

 

  In the hospital I had said that I've wanted to go to Machu Picchu but for now the incentive spirometer was my Machu Picchu. I've found that the entire time I keep Machu Picchu in my mind's eye. This entire medical journey is just me climbing a mountain knowing there's ups, downs and plateaus but I see a beautiful a bird's eye view at the top. At the top you feel free and limitless.

                                                                                                                           From the Mountain Top

                                                                                                                                             ~Liza

                                                                                                           

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